It is What it Is

Don't Get Lost In The Music

In my opinion, most every major (and non-major) musical artist has written at least one song that only has one purpose -- talking someone into a one night stand.

(If you think about it, just the act of writing the song shows far more effort than your standard Jaeger bomb and "It's all really about living for the moment" line, so at least it's a step far above the person in the bar hoping they find someone before last call. Still sketchy though? Yes. Supportive of my sister's theory that most people learn to play the guitar to attract the opposite sex? Also yes. However, I'm not sure there's a ton we do as humans that isn't meant to attract the opposite sex. Moving on ...)

Let's look at the evidence:

Elvis Presley: "It's Now or Never"

Bob Seger: "We've Got Tonight" ("Who needs tomorrow?")

Karaoke And WASPs

Being tone deaf and all, karaoke has always been a challenge. With no musical ability whatsoever, you're pretty much left with three options:

1. Make sure your song is a group song that involves lots of other girls so you're never close to the microphone. Of course, this comes with the obvious side effect that you are part of a large obnoxious group of girls on stage most likely singing "Love Shack" or "I Will Survive," and your dignity is lost somewhere amongst the red headed slut shots you've been taking all evening.*

2. Only sing once everyone else in the bar is too drunk to realize how bad you really are. If you're me, there's always one table left that cannot -- either due to court mandates or liver problems -- reach this level of inebriation.*

3. Learn a song that involves more speaking than singing.

I once saw a girl perform Eminem's "Lose Yourself" and bring the house down. Admittedly, said house was a smoky bar between a Days Inn and a Waffle House, but I still count it as an accomplishment.

My Top 5 Holiday Movies

Seeing as it’s that time of year, and Magic 96.5 (which I do consider magic because they play soft rock) has been playing Christmas music since November 1, I thought I’d share my favorite holiday films. I could do a music list, but it basically comes down to three songs:

1. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”

2. “Same Old Lang Syne,” by Dan Folgerberg

3. “All I Want For Christmas is You”

They’re all I really need, and it doesn't make for much of a blog entry.

To dwell for a minute on the music station thing -- yes, it’s too much. More soft rock please. I was tired of the Christmas music on November 3, and thanks to my radio pre-sets, it’s soft rock, country or Ryan Seacrest most of the time. I try to avoid Rick and Bubba and sports talk like the plague, so these really are my only options. Does this Christmas music thing happen in the rest of the country?  We’re talking about 1/6 of the year here. I find it excessive.

But I digress. Let’s get back to the movies.

The Obligatory Halloween Post

I tend to write a lot about Halloween. It’s one of my favorite holidays. My mother says I’ve always been this way about Halloween, and I can only assume that I never saw the downside to elaborate costuming and free candy.

I used to spend hours trick or treating, always hoping to stumble on the one cool house that gave out full-sized candy bars. One year, I found that house, and the candy bars were Snickers (my favorite). It was a true triumph. I vowed that when I grew up, I would be that person on the street, but we don’t get trick or treaters, and those full-size candy bars are expensive, so basically, I’d be spending a lot of money to gain five to ten pounds.

When I was younger, I also tended to bounce back and forth between choosing ordinary costumes and those that were incredibly difficult for my mother to make and made no sense to the neighbors.

When I was a witch (normal, yes?), I also had to have a wig, face paint and fake nails. The year I decided to be a ghost, I freaked out the moment I found myself covered from head to toe in a sheet and insisted on wearing my tutu instead. All in all though, I think we can still classify “witch,” “ghost” and “ballerina” as pretty standard.

Appropriate Attire

On Sunday afternoon, I went to one of Birmingham’s outdoor food and music festivals. I was there to volunteer with kids. I had creative writing exercises for them. The group behind me had wild animals, and the group in front of our booth had pumpkins to decorate.

The creative writing was a tough sell.

Thanks to the Birmingham Zoo and their demonstration, I did however learn more about the chicken snake than I ever wanted to know. (The “chicken snake” name comes from their love of eggs and not chickens. Who knew?) I also saw a fabulous feline thing that I was told would not make a good house pet because it could not be litter-box trained. Since I have a domestic short hair cat that cannot be litter-box trained, I thought about asking if they’d make a special exception for me. I mean, sure, they went to zoo school, or whatever you call it, but I had lived the no-litter-box life. I’d been to the front lines.

Since we were in the kids’ area, when I saw a man in a black suit walking a rabbit, I assumed he was a magician. Tuxedo? Tame bunny? Wouldn’t you go to the same place?

The "Mills Slip"

I am not a subtle person.

It’s just one of those gifts I wasn’t born with. My sister is fond of saying that I am incapable of subtlety or keeping anything close to the vest. (Could this very blog be proof of her theory?)

I can’t lie, I tend to say what I’m thinking and when I can’t say what I’m thinking, you can read my emotions all over my face.

I may tell you that I love your haircut, but odds are that if I don’t, my face will involuntarily recoil into a look that implies you took scissors to your head while drunk and taking style cues from the Sneetches.

More than one teacher told me that they judged how well a lecture was going based on my face because it was always obvious whether or not I was getting the point of the lesson.

Dessert And A Case Of Mistaken Identity

In my ongoing attempts not to implicate people and organizations in my misadventures and misdeeds, let’s just say that I was at a storytelling event the other night. (The details from this one are a little harder to disguise, but let’s all pretend, shall we?)

As much as I like storytelling at cocktail parties and on this here blog, I tend to avoid storytelling in public public. I love listening to other people’s stories, but I can be reluctant to tell my own. However, throw in an open bar and a relatively intimate atmosphere, and I tend to find myself signed up for an activity I didn’t plan to participate in at the beginning of the evening.

In an effort to make myself seem slightly more advanced than someone ruled by wine and peer pressure, I also believe in making yourself do something that makes you uncomfortable at least once in awhile. Whether it’s a particularly steep water slide or a scary movie, I like to get out of my comfort zone from time to time.

So, during the storytelling event, lots of people from many different walks of like stood before the group to tell their food stories. Topics ranged from grandmother’s cobbler and eating abroad to arguing over Doritos.

Lunch Wars: The Underworld Of School Food*

Lunch Wars by Amy Kalafa is exactly what the book purports to be, a guide on “how to start a school food revolution.” Filled with facts about local produce, the business of school meals, the impact of nutrition on children’s behavior and overall well being, as well as practical advice on who to approach in your school’s food program when working for change, templates for letters and petitions demanding better lunches, and lists of resources to get you started, Lunch Wars is the ultimate how-to guide for building a healthier school cafeteria.

Kalafa takes what would seem to be a daunting task – weaning children away from sugar and snacks to healthy meals while staying on budget and getting the school system’s support – and breaking it down into manageable and logical steps.

She never claims that the transition will be easy, but her determination and success stories are inspirational.

When I started the book, I was pretty sure Kalafa was preaching to the choir, and while she was doing that with gusto, I wasn’t always enjoying the read. (When the idea of foregoing candy on Halloween for other sugar-free activities came up, she almost lost me.)

In Other News

Please check out my upcoming creative writing classes in the left-hand sidebar. "Telling Your Story" will be a class focused on essay and memoir as well as general good-writing practices at Canterbury United Methodist Church. "Fundamentals of Creative Writing" is a broader course covering the basics of creative writing as well as both fiction and non-fiction genres offered through Samford University's After Sundown Continuing Education program.

My friend and former colleague Michelle Hazelwood-Hyde and I have also recently published a children's book for the Birmingham area entitled Night Night Birmingham. I invite you to check it out and also join us at our launch party at Oak Hill Bar & Grill on Thursday, September 15 from 5-8 p.m.

Thanks so much!

Gone Fishin'

Sorry for the lack of posts recently. I've gone fishin' -- in the figurative and not literal sense, and without the hat pictured below. I'll be back and (fingers crossed) ready to write next week. I'll also have the raccoon tan/burn affect that comes with wearing big sunglasses while you spend time in the sun. Please try to laugh only once I've left the room.

In the meantime, I wrote a little about BBQ awhile ago, but I'm afraid of the door I might open considering how many BBQ experts there are in Alabama. (And I wouldn't count myself among them. I just like to eat.) Read more here.